Scattered Thoughts

Another night passes and I wake up still as confused as the day prior.  I had 3 whoppers of dreams but no insight.  I can''t shake the feeling of cobwebs in my mind even though I know there are no cobwebs.  I think all the time and sometimes too much but unfortunately I haven't been able to focus on what I want to focus on.  So I'm stuck.  And I know there is one other sure fire course to take but I really don't care to do it.  But I guess I should.  I'm off to the outdoor world to do yard work.

Let me preface that I really don't like working outdoors.  I did it when I was young, we went camping several times a year and I worked with my grandfather and my uncles doing carpentry work and putting tar on roofs and the whole nine yards.  I didn't care for it one bit and decided in those formative years I needed an office type job.  Granted I know that my lifestyle is only conducive for living in the U.S., affluent European countries and a few countries in the Orient; and I'm ok with that.  I also realize that I would more than likely die if taken and placed into any other part of the world doesn't really trouble me all that much because I know who I am.  Having said all that, I look at the lawn and size up whats needs to be done. I get everything gassed up, plan how I want to attack the problem and I set out to do it.

Now that all the planning is done, my mind switches into neutral cause yard work seems to come pretty natural and doesn't take alot of thinking on my part.  I do line after line of grass cutting to make pretty patterns and I gradually fall into a trance-like state which opens me up creatively.  I think about whatever I want and let the thoughts just flow.  I realize maybe my problem is work.  The work I do is not very challenging, its can even be as mind numbing as what I'm doing right now, but it isn't that easy. I've come to a realization.  While the work is easy, having to manage myself in a team of 4 with very strong wills has been taxing me.  We are each very good at what we do, some better than others I suppose but we all like or want to lead.  This thought kinda surprises me because usually when I have a clear leader its easy for me to follow.  I only become a leader once I realize that there is a lack of leadership.  But that's not the case with my situation, or is it?  Have we become dysfunctional because there are way too many Indians?  Maybe, probably so.  And its draining me when I really think about it.  Is that all thats been bothering me?  No telling I guess.  But I'm really thinking about alot of things now.  Maybe I should delve into them as well.  Next problem: What's for dinner? 

In the blink of an eye a thought comes and goes.  That random quick thought is either seen as intuition to some or just worthless daydreaming by others.  When we meet someone we have a thought about them but we tend to place it in the back of our mind until we've had a chance to make an informed decision about the person.  Will they be a friend, an acquaintance, a mortal enemy or our soul mate.  I'm reading about the idea that our first impressions or snap judgments may be right more often than not.  That we don't need to think things out as long as we've trained ourselves but that we know the answers many times before we ask the question, so to speak.

For a long time I've always fancied myself as being intuitive.  There were times when I was younger that I even had dreams of random things, like a break-up or friends suddenly dating or a problem arising before it actually happened.  Since I don't really believe in pre-determination or pre-destination this seemingly random glimpses of clarity really baffled me.  So I wonder, does my brain see things that I don't see?  Is my sub-conscious aware of my surroundings better than I am?  Are my seemingly random and prophetic dreams really just one part of my brain trying to tell the other part that its missing something kinda obvious?  I don't know.  I do know that get feelings, mainly bad ones, when I think of my friends.  Not that they  are bad or that I think ill of them, I just seem to sense things only when they are off.  Lately I'm getting some really strong feelings and I can't place where I'm getting them from.  This is unsettling for many reasons.  I hate not knowing.  That is a biggie in my book.  The other major reason is that I feel like I'm tiptoing around everyone when I could just be experiencing bad gas. 

So the question becomes, "What should I do?".  Do I pry into every friend's life to see what's what?  Do I try to remain ignorant and let my stomach tear itself to shreds?  Do I just make myself available and hope that the problem is made known to me?  My only hope is that my sub-conscious gets busy on this and lets me in on the secret soon.  I just wish I didn't have the sinking feeling I know the answer and my conscious didn't beat the crap out of my sub and has it hogtied and blindfolded in the back of my head.